Golden Afternoons were not meant for me.

To no-one.
If I'm not happy, I'll die.
IFF you love me, I'll swim and not sink.
If I can't sleep, I'll slaughter the sheep,
that lie mockingly upon the lattice.

If I do not speak,
Do I disappear?
If I do not sleep,
I disappear.
Holes, holes, holes, holes, holes, but in me appear.

Others lie on a golden lawn, enjoying a happiness not meant for me.
Away from me.
Out of reach, behind a glass.

They sip their gilded beer,
beery
bronzey.
They sip it quicker yet and then sink beneath the haze of their own oblivion.
And yet I sit alone, apart from them, as if some stain has marked me out as not being one of them. As if I could not be happy even if I tried.
Golden Afternoons were not meant for me.

Top 25 foods

1. Eggs- occ

2. Greek Yogurt- rare

3. Fat-Free Milk- always

4. Salmon- occ/rare

5. Lean Beef- not sure, but we eat a lot of meat

6. Beans- not many for various reasons

7. Nuts- rare, ate some tonight

8. Edamame and Tofu- never

9. Oatmeal- a lot before, now rare

10. Flaxseed- in bread rarely

11. Olive Oil- always

12. Avocado- occ

13. Broccoli- reg

14. Spinach- sometimes

15. Tomatoes- often

16. Sweet Potatoes- always

17. Garlic- always

18. Red Pepper- in France a lot, rare now

19. Figs- never

20. Blueberries- never

21. Asian Pears- never

22. Lychee- never

23. Apples-often

24. Guava-never

25. Dark Chocolate-rare

I was really productive today despite waking up at 10.30am rather than 7.30am or 9.15am.

I have decided that I'm going to chase up getting my money back from my French bank. Paribas.

Also making a claim on my insurance policy for my last passport.

The last few lectures from Beau Whitney. Ah, the sadness, he has been my favourite lecturer ever.

I need to wash my harr.

I wish I was doing Italian already. French is a bit pfft...

I'm 7min45 away from finishing Frankenstein. I am a bit disappointed. I reckon that he should have told Elizabeth what he had done. She would have wept and then realising the  parallels between the two (her beloved and the creation), that man must have a mate etc. etc. she might have urged him to take pity on the creature and make him a wife. And then his creation would have taken off and never been seen again and saving the deaths of the narrator's loved ones.

Mid-Year Rotto Plans

Booked Ferry tickets today for me and the boyfriend.

So looking forward to Rottnest. :)

So chilled and amazing. I don't seem to have a good relationship time on Rotto but this year new bf so hopefully things will go smoothly.

Been looking at Dan Murphy website for alcomahol research. BOTTLE OF BAILEY'S FOR ONLY 20BUCKS! That's almost France prices (15EUR).

You can make jello shots out of orange slices. So fricking cool.
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Jello-Shots

Also, I want to do baking this year. Avec les jumelles voiturres? Peut-etre. Je vais les demander quand j'ai l'occasion.
http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/2350/banoffee+pies

Went for two walks today, I'm so full of virtue. Mmmmm, hungry. When is The Voice on again?
The things that I would do to Keith Urban. If I didn't have so much healthy respect for Satine Nicole Kidman. And not do to Seal. What a creep!

Did some more exam prep for CIVL2121, I'm going to ace it. And I think I've made a breakthrough in Structural anal-ysis. :P

Les emotions qui reignent...

Hier, oh, hier, une boule de nerfs que j'etais.

J'aime pas trop en parler, mais quand meme...

Today I did the write-up for Wind loads for the group project after coming home from Caroline's. Gold Star for me.
Je pense que je dois etre tres enervante, moi.

Il faut que je fasse un effort pour ne pas etre trop agacante.

Donc:
The Wise old owl, sitting on an oak, the more he heard, the less he spoke, the less he spoke the more he heard, why can't I be like that wise old bird?

Pfft but that would be boring, n'est-ce pas?

I would like to teach him French as well, alzo.

He said he has plans for me...special plans. Also a birthday gift. I'm sure I know what it is.

Finished about six chapitres of Frankenstein or The Modern Prometheus.

Must keep writing. It's always beautiful on Saturdays when one has to toil and work the load asunder.

Not far off until exams. I quite like the red harrrr. It doesn't look too unnatural, for I have pale skin.

Well walk time.

Que je me sens miserable, mais j'en suis tres conscient de pas etre.

Ce mec, il me fait sentir mal.

Red Harrrr

Stream-of-consciousness
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have red hair.
Most people love it.
The Cat? He hates it. But, whatever. As if guys know what look good, MECECTERA (une blague pour les francophones).

It's a shame that my eyebrows don't match. Haha, should colour them in with a texta.

I made a pair of shorts* from an old pair of jeans. I got a nasty scratch in the meantime.

I love The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. As if I need an excuse.

Virginia Woolf, on just-shot pheasants: "Their claws gripped tightly, though they gripped nothing" (The Shooting Party, 1938)

A character in the Reid Library at UWA:
Shuffle, Shuffle, Shuffle. The tired old skin he wore like a clock, jowls draping languid over his coloured overcoat. (I lie, it's actually off-yellow like an oeuf mure).

I just finished the [A] matrix for Assignment 12 for CIVL3110. Hopefully it's correct. Ahhh, the benefits of excel.

I'm hungry, though I just ate.

Perhaps it is better to ignore than be too eager. Here he comes again, the coat-man, shuffling like some man, Dickensen.

The Cat told me an awful goings between a friend and the ex-lover of the friend. Spiteful actions. One can not help being hurtful after a break-up, or whatever you wish to call it since it's been ongoing for a year and then some. Spite does not have to be gratuitous.

It depends on how you feel.

I wonder if he hates me?

Maybe, but it's probably more melancholy.

Or perhaps he sees things as they are (in whose reality this occurs, I am not sure.)

I will have to work out new clothing for new harrrr. Aus, Ein, Aus, Ein.


*pinned.

Pffft...

Steel exam = over, done, dusted, over.

My friend Maria made me a beautiful picture.

Feels like I've been running, running, running since semester began.

Just assignment, test, one after the other.

Found this website last night: http://www.soundsleeping.com/index.php

The drums are very focalising.

J'en ai marre de mes parents, ma mere qui pense que je suis la juste la pour la conforter. JE NE SUIS PAS. Je suis un etre humain. Je suis desagreable avec eux, mais c'est juste parce que je suis toujours fatiguee, toujours j'en ai marre de leurs arguments, ma mere, elle est toujours trop sensible comme a dit son frere.

The sound of cat purring is the greatest...

Life sorting

Ok, so now, new breakthroughs are coming through.

Baby, it's cold outside, and all the weary students are clutching at their over-priced Rocket fuel coffee. I know because I was one of them today.

Anyway need to organise some actual romantic outings with the Cat.

Perhaps going to a park on a warm night, alas no more, just a fading sensation.

Almost caught up on steel lectures, what relief.

Finish Dracula and A Little Princess on audio. Will need new stories to be read to me.

Must be nicer, otherwise people will think I'm terribly selfish and rude.

I want to do something new, Robotics, tie-dying neon shirts bright yellow. Paint again. Plant an exotic tree.

It's a shame I gave up yoga, feels so good afterwards as you feel your body praising you for your virtuous qualities and the sweet relief of no longer having to maintain downward dog.

I left a book in Paris that I regret. I forget the name, but it was red and white with cards on the front. A man who receives missions written on cards in the mail. A stream of consciousness book, one that reminded me of that dream passage from Mrs Dalloway, the one I analysed in my Dreams in Literature Class at the Sorbonne Nouvelle.

How can it be that it is four months since I have left? I am glad and yet somewhat sad all the same. Although I guess home was calling me like some sort of beachy siren with long eyelashes and imperfect eyes.

Tomorrow I am presenting the Judisches Muesuem of Berlin. Daniel Lebiskin. In French class. I like what I wrote about his main idea:

"His idea was to represent the void left behind by emptyness itself...Il ne faut pas combler le vide, mais de le representer par du vide" Alas, the sentiment is oftentimes lost in the translation itself."

I was tired and angry. Someone for whom certain things are lost made me angry and I wanted to poison his stream and trouble him, for he has certainly given me some. Why be so possessive? You don't even know a thing about me? I couldn't think of anything that suits to respond to some remark and after typing and re-typing it, I decided it was a lost cause, and comforted myself with angry girl-music.

I also need some new sleepy sounds.

Engineering shizzle.

What is the difference between in-plane loading and out-of-plane loading?

How do you get multiframe to do different load cases?

Angry X-axis: being ridiculous.

It's been a while, my friend.

I'm back in Perth, of course. Paris is like a dream, although now that I am out of it I dream more in French, as in most nights.

I'm into this new musical study thing. Whereas I used to hate listening to music while I study, I'm now really into it. Is this the influence of a new lovers, an effect of living alone for six months or the fact that my studies are so much more involved and somewhat complex?

The music pulls me back to the things I'm meant to be doing.

So I have what I call my super concentration trance songs that I just listen to over and over again, like some sort of background chant. I know that I'm really getting into the study when I don't realise how many times I've listened to that song.

Talk
Somebody that I used to know
Human of the Year
Save Me
Eyes Wide Open
Summer in the City

This time last year I was hanging out to move to France. To get away from so many things, from family, from relationships, to become more adult, to re-discover me, to be more assertive, confident.

Now I am back.

Four months have already gone by since I said farewell to all I had come to love in my second city.

I miss some things. Just some things. Although it was lonely, somewhat. I don't like to live alone.

Anyhow I'm procrastinating from getting on with the task that I must complete. Geology assignment.

x